I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
