you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
