I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So many bounce houses so little time
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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