She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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