I'm really into asian looking animals
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Randomize
