so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
