I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
