Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
