I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
...so i touched it.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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