Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
