Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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