I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I have post one night stand depression
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