Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
