I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
