I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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