I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
