You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
