I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
