I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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