i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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