we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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