Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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