He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
