Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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