forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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