I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
