dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
