and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I want her autograph on my taint
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
