Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
