you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
