Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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