he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
