Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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