Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
