Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
my sisters under your porch take her home
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
