i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
