Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
