The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
