I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize