end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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