Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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