I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
