If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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