My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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