TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
