i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
