Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize