you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
