I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
