I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
