I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
