the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
