I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i need to put some appletini on your dick
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
