i need an iv and a liver transplant
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
