I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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