I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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