someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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