We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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