The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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