Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
