my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
