Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
