Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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