Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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